Fairy
tales are wonderful stories for young children. They give us a
sense of place and a great deal of hopefulness for the future.
Of course, someday my Prince (or Princess) will come and we will
live happily ever after... Yet, why does the story always end
when the two finally meet? What does happily ever after mean?
romance relationships
Contrary
to popular belief and, perhaps, our own fantasy life, good relationships
don't just "happen". They take thoughtfulness, time, love, and
work. Progressing through recognizable stages, all relationships
experience crises and demand at least some flexibility on our
parts. A willingness to stay together through the storms is the
only way to get to the peacefulness on the other side. Yet (in
my opinion) it is all very much worth it.
A
good relationship can not only bring us much joy and happiness,
but it can also be one of the most freeing experiences of life.
With that in mind, let's examine the process.
The
Stages of Relationship
The
first stage of a relationship is the attraction/ honeymoon phase
(Oh, my goodness, we're JUST alike!). You meet. You think you
like one another. You've been lonely for so long and now, finally(?),
here's someone who understands you. You fall in love. Now, you
can't get enough of each other.
The
second stage begins when you get to know each other well enough
to become aware of the FATAL FLAW (or flaws). THIS wasn't what
I bargained for! Isn't there some mistake? Hopefully, you haven't
totally gotten past phase one yet, so there's still some interest
in hanging out together and seeing what happens.
EVERY RELATIONSHIP GOES THROUGH THIS STAGE.
As none of us is perfect (who would want to have to be?) and we
all bring our past histories into new relationships, no two people
automatically fit together like hands and gloves. Even your soul
mate (and I believe in them) won't exactly "match".
Think
about it. If we live thousands of lifetimes (as I truly feel we
do) and only sometimes connect with our soul mates, then he or
she has a completely different "set" of past experiences to color
where he or she is at. That's just how it is.
The
third stage of a relationship involves sorting it through. What,
exactly, can you learn to live with and what needs to be addressed?
The fact that the toothpaste tube gets squeezed from the top or
the toilet paper comes off the roll from the bottom is, in the
grand manner of things, not that big of a deal. If, however, one
of you wants children and the other doesn't, that needs to be
discussed. Or, if you would like to live in Hawaii and he or she
prefers England, you need to talk.
The
next stage of a relationship requires working it through. If you
get resentful that you're the only one who squeezes the toothpaste
from the bottom, stop. Who really cares if there's a little pile
of dirty socks at the end of the bed? A smoker living with a nonsmoker
could be asked to limit this activity to one or two rooms. A sense
of humor can make all the difference in the world during this
phase. Plan on doing some give and take here; and I emphasize
BOTH -- not just give and not just take. And, remember, it takes
time. Communicate. Listen. Bargain. And, perhaps most important
of all, THINK.
In
my opinion, one of the commonest mistakes made in relationships
is believing that love is enough. While love is absolutely necessary,
don't forget to use your head! Human nature may be strange, but
it is absolutely predictable. Think it through. The final stage
of a relationship is a great and abiding friendship with ease.
By this time, you know each other well enough (probably better
than you even wanted!) to know what to expect. You have a history
together. You've survived a few crises. You've quite literally
learned to live with one another. This is the payoff phase and
it can really be quite wonderful. But this stage doesn't come
after a few short weeks or even a few months. It generally takes
years to get here. Hang in there because it is well worth it.
Rules
For A Great Relationship
All
relationships are different. They come in as many shapes and sizes
as the bountiful palette of humans. However, the following are
a few guidelines designed to assist you in the building of a good,
long lasting relationship.
1.
Be fair. Who wants to live with someone who isn't?
2. Be honest, but not brutally so. There's a
fine line between what you could say and what you truly need to
say. Be aware of where it is and don't cross it.
3.
Keep it even. Good relationships happen between equals; whatever
that means to you. It is helpful to have similar backgrounds,
values, and goals, but more necessary to keep a balance between
you. If you feel you are doing more than your fair share, stop.
Allowing your relationship to lean or list to one side is the
fastest way to make it fall.
4.
Fight fair. It's healthy to fight. It clears the air and keeps
resentments from building. However, keeping the fight to the matter
at hand is crucial. Never, ever, make proclamations such as "You're
just like your mother", etc. Remember, too, that although most
of what we are shown in this world is us versus them, a relationship
is built on a partnership model.
5.
Maintain a strong sense of self and know who you are. As far as
I'm concerned, we come to this planet to learn individuality and
free will (my husband, Bob, calls it Freewill 101). We do, indeed,
create our own realities. Because our major lesson in life is
selfhood, relationships that don't honor this fact do not last.
We cannot complete ourselves in another; it simply isn't allowed.
It is also important to realize that human beings have very addictive
personalities. While some folks may think that they want to have
happy lives and good relationships, they are actually much too
addicted to the drama of being able to tell sad stories.
6.
Know and nourish your own boundaries. Fairy tales and soap opera
romances would have us believe that the purpose of a healthy match
is to immerse ourselves in one another. Nothing could be further
from the truth. Once we lose our boundaries in a relationship,
it is only a matter of time before it dies. Shakespeare spoke
of this in Romeo and Juliet. Again, because this, too, is a violation
of individuality, it simply isn't allowed to continue.
7.
Have fun. Relationships shouldn't be all work, but sometimes learning
how to have fun is actually quite a challenge. Learning how to
laugh at ourselves can speed up this process greatly. Laughter
can also be very disarming and a touch of humor is the fastest
way to break tensions. If you aren't blessed with a good sense
of humor already, don't despair. It can be learned.
8.
Listen and communicate.
Words.
What do they mean?
The
same words actually mean different things to different people.
Because we all bring our pasts with us and no two individuals
come from exactly the same place, words often contain unintended
hooks and barbs. I have a friend who used to routinely answer
his wife's inquiries with "I don't care." What he meant, of course,
was, "Well, if that's something you want to do, go ahead." One
day, she collapsed in tears and said, "How can you keep saying
that you don't care?" He never said it again. Words are also the
means by which we continually create the stories of our lives.
Our thoughts are constantly imprinting on our own subconscious
"computers" and what we think and believe to be true about ourselves
happens. Don't underestimate your own very real power.
9.
Be forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes. I suspect that every relationship
has moments when any self-respecting man or woman should pack
his or her bags and move out. The bottom line is, do you really
want to? Because if you don't, you could be complicating things
with a show of temper. Then, again, sometimes statements are necessary.
Think it through but be ready with forgiveness when the time comes
for reconciliation.
10.
Nourish the love. Be affectionate. Love is the glue that keeps
people together in relationships. After all, it's hard enough
living with somebody that you DO love. Lovers should also be friends,
but friends who are not lovers are just playing house.
11.
Avoid ultimatums. Ultimatums are very dramatic and can easily
grab attention. They can also get you into big trouble fast.
12.
Cultivate activities done together and separately. Relationships
need common ground, but they also need spaces. Keeping some of
your own interests and friends gives you something to talk about
when you get back together.
13.
Don't share absolutely everything. Do we really need to know that
your last lover was better in bed or a bigger wage earner? I think
not.
14.
Last but not least: If you MUST throw something, make sure it's
soft because it's probably coming back!
The
Laws of Manifestation
Okay,
all this is well and good, but what if you don't happen to have
a Mr. or Ms. Right in the picture at the moment? Never fear! There
are things to do... One of the trickiest bits about relationships
is that we can't learn about our own expectations alone. It takes
practice and being with another person in order to realize our
own innermost thoughts about what he or she should do or say.
I have always been amazed that our society has -- in the past
-- expected people to "get it right" in their very first marriage
when we really are flying blind. How do we know what marriage
(or living together) is like until we try it? It's impossible.
Therefore, I encourage anyone with a "failed" relationship to
look at it as a learning experience, a necessary step along the
way to perfection.
Instead
of being upset with it, use it to understand where it went wrong
or why that type of person is not the best for you. It's absolutely
true that two incredibly great people can bring out the worst
in each other if they are not a good match. Knowing who you, yourself,
are is the very first step to seeing what an equal partner would
look like. Then, begin to picture what EXACTLY you seek in a mate.
Be specific. Think about it. Prioritize; is it more important
that you live in the country or make lots of money? Do you need
the security of stocks and bonds or desire the freedom of the
adventurer? Take your time. Write it down. What you are doing
here is creating a precise picture of what this person is like.
Fill in lots of details but make sure you know which ones are
the most important to you.
Once
you feel pretty comfortable with this picture, let it go. Stop
thinking about it. In this way, you are sending your picture out
into the universe to go and locate your ideal honey for you and
set up the conditions under which you can meet. Then, be sure
to get out and about. If you want to meet a man, go to the places
where men hang out; take up downhill skiing or sign up for a drumming
class. If you want to meet a woman, go where women gather; aerobics
classes and art or hobby classes are some of many activities which
seem to attract a good number of them.
Action
is necessary because, unlike in the fairy tales, the knight in
shining armor does not always find his way to your back door.
Remember, too, that relationship is a dance. It's a flow; back
and forth, around and around. It, like everything else in life,
has its good days and its bad days. When you get it right, though,
there's nothing else that compares. It fills you both with peace,
joy, happiness, security, and laughter. You get to build a life
together instead of walking your path alone. It takes time, but
one of the only truisms in life is that time passes. Why not use
it wisely?
Being
human isn't easy. There are many pitfalls in the Path; potential
wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes. So, why are we here, anyway?
The best description I've ever heard is that God/Goddess wants
friends. The task may be formidable, but the rewards are also
great. Good luck!
