Ten
tips that serve as relationship Counseling
1. Be predictable
When do seeds
of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, "What's
up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before? That
is so unlike him? He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe
and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His
behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any
movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect
and trust can deteriorate.
Focus on acting predictably
if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do.
This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle
in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for
goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous
consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be
that consistently, whoever you tend to be!
2.
Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable."
No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts
and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless
about what is happening and where we are going. Those times
may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some
downright dumb decisions. Life gets can get very squirrelly
and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined
through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage
or family often is accompanied by a little chaos.
Welcome these
shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something
better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake,
inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I
really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm
moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with
me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things,
but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some
of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me?
I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"
3. Make sure your words match the message.
Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner
hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body
language and facial expressions are really saying something
else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days.
Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous
amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what
you are saying.
Here's a very
simple but common example. You are getting ready to go
to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And
she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her
hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.)
Not to spoil
the evening you enthusiastically say, "You
look great." You don't really mean it and
a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave
it at that.
This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something
similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even
shakier now.
Here's how to
match the words with the nonverbal: "I think
you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love
you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side
tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you
look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.)
She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing
a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress
or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to
go just fine. You respond to the real message.
You can take this one step further, if you like. At some
point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk
about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do
so that need is met.
4. Believe the other person is competent.
I hear this phrase
very often: "But, I don't want to hurt
the him." A couple things are at play here.
First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other
with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding.
She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some
sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive
and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what
we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception
that fits our personal needs.)
Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she
believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She
doesn't trust that the other personal has the internal strength
or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect
and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust
and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence)
to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted
out.
Believe and know
in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow,
beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity
to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other
person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey,
she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good!
I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets.
If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't
talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in
the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around
it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending
his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly
disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them,
might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with
trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is
there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from
within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages
of the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship
is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This
is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so
much concerned about him having sex with someone else as
she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and
deception that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down
and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors.
If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand
those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them
to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development,
they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course
of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to
share some of those events as you disclose to your partner
where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional
charge.
However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional
charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of
yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem
that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly.
Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered,
but not selfish!)
Here's a problem
I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps
attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the
trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out
effort to "work on the marriage." She invites
him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts
full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need
he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies."
Doesn't work.
Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or
maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's
hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying
motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet
mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation,
which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all,
how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?"
Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties.
Start with your
eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal
need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need…x,
y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would
like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you
open to that?"
He is empowered
to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What
about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing
what is important to you, certainly."
Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what
they needed/wanted?
Didn't you respect that person?
Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you
stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are - loudly
It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional
investment hold back from letting the other person know who
they really are.
You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF
to the other person.
This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull
off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF.
For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given
much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't
you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing
on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external
realities?
Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that
person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking,
how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether
he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life?
Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial
and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about thing/relationships/events
out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values,
and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust.
But it doesn't create it either.
And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of
protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone.
This more often than not creates trust barriers.
Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your
standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold
for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are
the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that
you live by? What are you known for?
And then…begin
letting significant people in your life know.
They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They
will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will
see you as a person of character.
They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly
what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO!
Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say
NO!
Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from
being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive
to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating
that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You
refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy
you. You build a moat around the core of your life.
You do this by informing the other person of what they are
doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand
they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide
remark, eye-roll or comment.
To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED.
Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone
will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure
that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you
are in fear?
Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other
person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers
a response of respect from the other person. After all, if
you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which
is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you
and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from
harm as well?
9. Charge Neutral
When your significant other expresses something powerfully,
charge neutral.
Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention
in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending
themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves,
counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course,
the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust
and fear.
Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all
over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral.
Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but
also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge
to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say,
state the truth and do it directly and calmly.
You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically
change the flow of the relationship.
You will be able to point out something big, without making
a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This
not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't
fly or fall apart.
You will experience your personal power. This makes you
very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows
their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of
themselves and others?
Your partner
will love the fact that she can trust you consistently
to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not
back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt.
Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature,
bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change,
stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your
life is shaped and formed.
Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions,
and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward
the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship
and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this
can happen?
The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy.
Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your
other is given to you to move you to where you really want
to be.
Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons
on which you intentionally write the script of your life
individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that
in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust
that you are given the resources and capacity to face what
you and your significant other are to face. Once you are
able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting
your significant other will be that much more easy.
| Authors
Details: Relationship Counseling - Dr. Robert
Huizenga Web Site |
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