You
own many things. I have asked hundreds of people over the years
to list all of their important possessions, from top to bottom,
and they all invariably come up with similar lists. Houses, cars,
furniture, stocks... and other material goods usually rank highly.
Then I tell them that they have overlooked the number one valuable
commodity in their life. They usually look at me with a blank
stare, because the majority of us do not ever think of our personal
relationship as something to be owned.
Why
is it so difficult to accept the truth that you are the owner
of a relationship? After all, you initially saw something that
you wanted, took steps to obtain it, and then made a decision
to keep it in your life. Sounds like a possession to me. But
there's something inherently more complex about a marriage or
long-term committed relationship that makes it harder to quantify.
Perhaps it's because there is no definite point when you actually "buy" a
relationship. Maybe it has something to do with the notion of
love and romance, as most of us get caught up in the notion that
we "share" a special relationship and it would appear greedy
to claim ownership. But whatever the reason, I have run across
few people who enthusiastically embrace the idea of seeing themselves
as an owner. It's easier to just let it happen and hope for a
good result.
Avoiding
the thought that you are responsible for the relationship also
lets you avoid accepting the blame when something goes seriously
wrong.Being an owner also carries with it the responsibility
of learning about your product. Unfortunately, you probably have
never read a set of instructions that accompany your life relationships.
The reason is simple - there is no instructional manual that
covers all of the various situations that you will encounter
as you put together your own relationship! If you are lucky,
you and your partner basically agree on the same set of instructions
and the relationship works for many years. If you are not so
lucky, you both attempt to construct the relationship in very
different ways, and it breaks down. It then either has to be
fixed or thrown on the scrap pile as unusable. Can this be avoided?
Of course, if you take the time to educate yourself about the
product you own and make it a top priority.
The
Relationship Contract
So
it is time to inject a little reality into your life. You and
your partner are co-owners of what will be known as a "Life Relationship." As
such, you will from this point be subject to the rules and conditions
of said ownership, including the acceptance of the following
Relationship Contract:
1.
The owner shall be charged with the responsibility of caring
for and maintaining the relationship in good working order, by
exerting whatever effort is needed to nurture and grow it in
positive ways.
2.
If a problem arises with the relationship, the owner will make
this his or her top priority and do whatever is necessary to
make it right.
3.
The owner will strive to understand the reasons for his or her
behaviors in the relationship, and if these actions are self-destructive,
will seek out help.
4.
The owner will understand that it is not selfish to verbalize
his or her needs in the relationship, and expect the co-owner
to at least consider and try to meet these needs.
5.
Instead of blaming the co-owner for everything that goes wrong
during the course of the relationship, the owner will always
search inside to acknowledge his or her part in causing the problems.
You
may think that the above looks like some kind of legalese, but
you cannot escape the fact that a successful relationship is
grounded in these conditions. Simply stated, those who accept
these truths will greatly increase their odds at an intimate,
loving, committed relationship. Those who believe that these
concepts don't apply to them will most likely run into major
relationship problems, and have few skills to solve these problems.I'll
bet that you didn't say these things during your marriage vows
or when you first decided to exclusively date your partner. It's
tough enough to decide that you've found a person with whom to
spend a lifetime. But this doesn't change the fact that the above
five conditions form the basis for your personal happiness!
This
is the soil from which your relationship will flourish. Ignore
it and the relationship has a good chance of dying. You'll be
going nowhere fast. Accept these conditions and you have a realistic
chance of developing a wonderful relationship. The choice seems
obvious to me and I hope that it does to you also. If you refuse
to see the relationship as yours, you will probably never do
the work necessary to insure success. You will continually disregard
the ideas in your relationship contract, because it's just human
nature to care less about things that aren't our own. So memorize
and try to apply these principles each day - I'll bet you will
be shocked at how many times you or your partner will break one
of the conditions. Copy and post this relationship contract somewhere
that you can reread it every day.
| Authors
Details:
Kelly
E. Johnson, M.D.
The
Author Kelly Johnson, M.D., is a nationally known psychiatrist
and relationship therapist. He has appeared on Jenny Jones
and Montel, and can be heard weekly on the number-one rated
Sunday night radio show, Private Lives. This
article is excerpted from the book
A Relationship For A Lifetime: Everything You Need To Know To Create A Love
That Lasts
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