| Finding
Happiness
'Most people are about as happy as they make up their
mind to be.' Abraham Lincoln
I'm happy. My Email software
has developed a frustrating problem, it's been raining for
days, the car has sprung a leak which will be very expensive
to fix - and I'm still happy. How can I tell?
How can anyone know when they're
happy? What does happiness mean? Predictably, the term means
different things to different people at different times in
their lives. For myself, I like the definition 'An enduring
feeling of contentment and capability' - a sense that life
is good on the whole, and that you can deal with whatever
happens.
What Do You Really Want?
Since Aristotle, many thinkers
have concluded that everything we do is ultimately aimed at
achieving happiness. We save for a holiday, long for an impressive
car, have another drink, get to know popular people, strive
for success - all because we think it will make us happy.
A friend once told me, while I was hoping to sign a recording
contract, 'Careful what you wish for - you may get it'. I
was offered the contract, signed it and almost immediately
it became a disaster. Soon after, I was spending a lot of
effort on getting released from it. We tend to confuse what
we actually want with things we think will get it for us -
and we can learn from our experience.
One sure way to increase your
happiness quotient is by making sure the things you do every
day fit in with the things you find important - your values.
I know successful businessmen who neglect their families by
working sixty-hour weeks. When we discuss their careers I
usually learn that all their effort is dedicated to giving
their families the very best: a private education, a lavish
lifestyle. I know wives of such men who feel lonely and unhappy
and wish for a simpler, closer way of living. Whoever said
'Time is money' was wrong - you can lose money and make it
again. Those businessmen often find ways of creating a different
balance between work and home, often by learning to let go
of things they had felt the need to control and learning how
to trust others more and share the load.
Happiness is something you
do.
More recently, during training
for my work, I realised a vital point about happiness: it
isn't a thing or a place or something that happens to us,
it's an activity. Now I think of it in that way I feel better.
I have a lot of choice in what I do, so the chances are that
I can do more happiness - hey, it works for me.
Author Andrew Matthews writes
on finding happiness: 'It is like maintaining a nice home
- you've got to hang on to your treasures and throw out the
garbage.'
Finding Happiness & Finding
Flow
In his book 'Finding Flow',
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi describes how he and his team found
ways of tracking just how happy people are at different times
of day. The key is 'Flow' - a combination of high challenge
and high skill. People experience flow in different ways,
but some things are common to all. At such times '…what we
feel, what we wish and what we think are in harmony. These
moments are what I have called flow experiences ….. athletes
refer to it as being "in the zone"… '. For me, flow is when
I lose track of time because I'm so absorbed in what I'm doing.
Swept Away
We tend to feel some flow
when working, travelling, talking, socialising and having
sex. Our strongest experiences of flow tend to be our hobbies
and sports, or when responding to a great movie or performance
(not passively watching, but on the edge of our seats) or
being swept away by music or an exciting football match. The
opposite of flow would be deep in an apathetic trance, like
the Royle family, gaping at the TV. Flow goes with active,
rather than passive enjoyment. It involves stretching ourselves
by operating near the limits of our skill. We do flow activities
because we like doing them, rather than simply because we
imagine they will bring us some benefit. In the process we
may experience frustration, pain or expense, yet we still
want to take part.
The Happiness Habit
The more I work with people
to help them achieve what they want, the more I believe that
attention is the key. We all know the story of the optimist
and the pessimist looking at the same glass which contains
water up to the halfway mark. To the optimist, the glass is
half-full, to the pessimist it's half empty. The optimist
sees the doughnut; the pessimist sees the hole. One looks
for what's wrong, the other for what's right. What are they
actually doing that's different from each other?
When you concentrate on something
repeatedly, nerve cells in your brain link up to form networks
that act a bit like electrical circuits, each designed to
do a particular thing. The thing each circuit does is an unconscious
programme, better known as a habit. People normally form habits
through repetition. The first time you go somewhere you need
to look for street names, maybe read a map. When you're used
to going there you can do it without giving it any attention.
The fact is, we spend most of our lives doing our habits.
This is fine. As long as your habits are in harmony with your
values, you tend to be pretty happy.
New Habits for Old
If your values and habits
work against each other they can prevent you from growing
as a person, stop you from being able to relax or cause you
to dislike yourself. So is this just too bad, or can you really
change? Well, it depends on how much of your attention you're
prepared to commit to changing. You see, you form habits by
shining the light of your attention on doing something until
you can do it automatically. That leaves your attention free
for the next learning. When you want to change that habit,
you need to give your attention, first to unlearning, then
to replacing it. (In my experience this is most effectively
and quickly done in trance.) Much of my work is helping people
to be in charge of the part of the brain that is the switchbox
for their attention so that they can focus on things that
bring them flow.
The 'Finding Happiness' formula
is very simple: whatever you put your attention on fills your
life.
Choosing a Vision
This fact goes way beyond
the subject of finding happiness. Top athletes use techniques
of mental rehearsal to prepare themselves for success. It's
no accident that the term Vision is so prominent in current
thinking. When top performers are studied closely, to find
out what the vital difference is, they always create vivid
images in their minds of what they want. It seems that the
more detailed and desirable the images are the more powerful
the effect. Naturally, they still have to do all the preparation
and hard work but those factors alone don't guarantee success,
it's the combination of all the elements that makes an outstanding
performer.
Little Voices In My Head
When it comes to happiness,
high achievement may not be as important as the way we choose
to focus on certain aspects of our lives. Some people run
a commentary in their mind's ear. Whatever they do, they criticise
themselves. '…there you go again… typical! Whatever you do
it goes wrong…you fool…'
Some people act as if they
could read minds. They usually don't like what they guess
people are thinking about them. '…did you see the way she
looked at you? You know what that means don't you? She thinks
you're stupid…' or 'I wish I hadn't come…they're sneering
at me because I'm not as successful…..' Those little voices
are auditory habits that were originally intended to help
you, but have now become unhelpful. You can probably stop
doing them by ignoring the words and turning the sound of
the voice into something absurd - like Donald Duck, or whoever
makes you laugh. People I have worked with have used the voices
of Eddie Izzard, Harry Hill, Frankie Howerd, Victoria Wood
and many others. Have a go and see what happens to how you
feel.
Don't worry - Be Happy
Broadly speaking, anxiety
is imagining what you don't want and then responding in your
body as if it were happening in the present. Feeling down
might involve focusing on past unhappiness and feeling as
if it was still happening or only hearing criticism, never
praise. These are simplifications, but they reveal the kinds
of processes that underly these unhappy conditions. In each
case, the individual is following habits of mind, often learnt
early in life when we are inexperienced and impressionable.
The good news is that these are only habits and habits can
be changed. In many cases all you need to do is remember to
do the behaviour you want for a new habit every day for three
weeks continuously and it will become automatic. Some habits
are easier to change than others. For losing the more persistent
bad habits there are specialist techniques to help you succeed.
Greater Expectations
I don't mean to give the impression
that everyone needs to go around smiling constantly. Tragedies
and disappointments happen and it's important to let yourself
feel what you feel at the time. Covering up your emotions
can lead to bigger problems later on. What I mean is, just
as you expect a cut to stop bleeding and heal after a while,
it's reasonable to expect to move on after grieving or hurting.
Nobody needs to put up with persistent unhappiness these days.
We have learned more about how our minds work in the last
thirty years than in the whole of history and the news is
encouraging.
Accepting Your Own Power
I have known a great many
people who have changed their minds about who they are and
what they can reasonably expect from life. A woman I know
decided that she could do more than work at menial tasks for
low wages by accepting that she could learn new things. When
she told her boss why she was leaving, the boss said 'You'll
never amount to anything'. She signed up for a training course
and found she was right - she could learn. She enjoyed it
so much that she learned how to train others. Now she earns
well over double her previous income organising courses and
trainers and encouraging other people to believe in themselves.
She altered the way she saw herself - from 'I won't expect
much so I won't be disappointed' to 'I have the right to choose
how I live my life and how I respond to the world'. She isn't
pretending, rather she has accepted her own power and chosen
to wake up to the possibilities life offers.
As Henry Ford said: 'Whether
you think you can or you think you can't - you're right'.
Now, about those New Year's
resolutions… All the best for the year ahead.
| Authors Details: Finding Happiness
- Graham Smith is a musician
Web Site |
More Articles Dealing With Happiness
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- Introduction)
(Enlightenment
Part 1 Witness Your Thought Process)
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